Beware the Dangerous!

The first of many interestingly translated signs I saw when I arrived in Beijing was displayed blocking a broken moving walkway. It read, “BEWARE THE DANGEROUS!” I foolishly thought the sign actually referred to the broken walkway. As soon as we loaded the bus and departed for Shiziajuang, I realized it foreshadowed a myriad of Dangerous to Beware of.

There are some things a traveler can prepare for pre-departure. Adequate clothing, comfortable shoes, a stockpile of medicine. Other things, while expected, cannot be fathomed until experienced. I understand that China is an extremely large nation, and therefore will not generalize based on my experiences in one province. As day ten draws to a close, I would like to share what I have surmised are the key themes of the Hebei Provincial Driver’s Manual:

1. DO NOT, under any circumstance, come to a complete stop.

2. Use your horn, use your horn, use your horn. There is no motor vehicle situation that cannot be resolved favorably by engaging the horn. A short honk is appropriate for announcing your intention to switch lanes in heavy traffic. A slightly longer honk may be necessary for announcing a left turn across several lanes. Finally, when passing large trucks on mountainous roads, do not release the horn, as it is of the utmost importance that you have only one functional hand on the wheel when another large truck comes careening in your direction.

3. Use your turn signal sporadically, preferably when it makes the least sense.

4. It is of utmost importance that you arrive at your destination as quickly as possible. Neither your life, nor the lives of your passengers, is worth the loss of face you will suffer if you follow cars at a reasonable distance, slow for pedestrians or cyclists, or choose not to drive into oncoming traffic whenever convenient. Do not embarrass yourself, and bring shame to your family name, for the sake of passenger safety and sanity.

5. Despite the numerous interstate signs commanding you to “buckle up,” seat belts are actually illegal. All vehicle owners are required to purchase seat covers which make seat belts inaccessible to passengers. Those who purchase seat covers with mistranslated English themes on them will receive reimbursement from the government. If you drive a taxi, wrap all seatbelts around headrests repeatedly until taut, so passengers understand that your ability to drive safely is unprecedented.

6. Where they happen to exist, lane markings are barely a suggestion. The expected behavior is to straddle them and engage your horn as specified above in order to announce your intention to move left, right, forward or back as is suitable.

7. In the event that you feel too important to stop at a red light, please press horn appropriately and accelerate into the cross-traffic. If you have installed flashing red and blue lights in your vehicle for personal use, this is an appropriate time to engage them.

8. Should you find yourself in the far right lane heading a direction you suddenly do not wish to go, begin U-turn by inching into opposing lanes and pressing the horn as prescribed for mountainside driving. DO NOT, under any circumstance, come to a complete stop.

9. Upon arrival at your destination, or if you feel compelled to drive on the pedestrian walkway for increased efficiency, you will need to cut through the bicycle/motor bike lane, usually 5-10 riders thick. Expect to be ignored, as bikers are busy text messaging with both hands, lighting or smoking cigarettes, balancing children and infants between their legs, etc., in addition pedaling. Simply engage the horn and proceed slowly. DO NOT, even for a family of four riding on one bike, come to a complete stop.

10. Simulation exercise: A bus meets a semi truck on a curve ascending a mountain. A car is passing the truck and there is no shoulder. No matter which driver you are, DO NOT slow down. Lay on your horn and increase your speed. If you are driving the bus or the semi, wish for good luck to save you from falling down the mountain as the car squeezes between you. If you are in the car, repeat this passing technique as frequently as necessary until you reach your destination.